This one's for you, Charlie

I'm one of those people that doesn't win things, or at least, that's what I'll tell you. Whenever there's a contest or raffle or something there's always a group of people who can be heard saying "I've never won anything, ever. It's really my turn to win something." That group of people includes, generally, every single person who entered the contest. If you listened to all of them you might begin to believe that all contests, from the 1st grade spelling bee to the state lottery, were in fact rigged so that there will never be a winner. Most people who claim to belong to this state of perpetual loss are, in fact, in a state of perpetual forgetfulness. I think most of us have actually won things many times in our life, they were just insignificant enough, or occurred long enough ago, that we don't remember them.

With that in mind, I've decided to go through my life and think of all the times I've ever won anything. Let us begin.


In middle school I won a handheld karaoke machine. It was for a bingo game, held in the cafeteria, for people who had like sold a certain amount of magazines and turned in their paper about it or something. Of course, I didn't sell anything, I just stole Trevor Evans' paper and erased his name and put my own in (who uses pencil on those things? Get with the program.) I suppose that was a win in and of itself, since I got to miss class for no reason at all. For those of you who are worried about Trevor, don't. I distinctly remember seeing him at the Bingo thing and being like "Did you really go out and sell more magazines? Get a life." In the end, though, I won a handheld karaoke thing. It was purple. Erika Devereaux approached me afterwards and asked me for it, since I would never use it. I was a jerk, so I said no, and it sat in my house for a couple of years before I threw it away.


I've won some stuff from my dad throughout the years. He likes to offer exorbitant sums for trivia questions that he's sure I won't know the answer to. I once won a dollar for spelling elephant correctly (I know that isn't an exorbitant sum). On our sailboat cruise in Mexico, he offered me 50 dollars if I could tell him who "took the purse". I said "Judas Escariot", and I think my mom wanted to swear at him. But, of course, she didn't.


As a side-note, I can only remember my mom swearing like 3 times in my life. Once was at my dad when I was a kid. It was about me and my brother. I think my dad had been a jerk to us and her mama-bear hackles rose up and she threw the D-bomb right in his face. BAM! Another time, it was totally random, we were going to the airport in Fairbanks, and I was being a whiny little twerp, and like was complaining about carrying the suitcase into the airport, and she was like "Well I'll carry the damn thing myself." I remember I was just like, confused. I didn't really know why she would choose that particular moment of all moments to unleash her inner demons. I think there was another time, but it's not coming to me right now.


Speaking of "I think there was another time, but it's not coming to me right now," I think there was another time when I won something, but it's not coming to me right now. Dang.