Long

Looking at it now all this stuff I wrote seems pretty pathetic and self serving and just bitchy, but I guess it made sense when I wrote it so I'll stick it out there uncensored:


There are points in life where there's a group of people, all starting something together. A high school graduation. My district in the MTC. Everyone is looking into the future and seeing something bright and seeing the road there and how it's all going to work. And for some people maybe it works because they think "I'm going to go to college and study and party and have fun and good grades and it will be a good experience." And that's manageable and it's great and it happens. Or maybe "I'm going to go out and teach the gospel, and it's gonna be really hard sometimes but I know that I'm going to help some people and I'm going to be a better, stronger person when it's over." And for some people that happens.

I want to say that I can't make plans, but that's not true. I can dream up as happy a future as the next guy. A world where I'm doing something real with someone I love in my life and I'm not alone and not stuck and blank. I can imagine those places. But I can't see those roads anymore. Where are those things? They're abstract. Some 'thing' that's out there but not here, not in reality. I think about how different things are for those people, who started out in those groups. Maybe I wallow in self pity. Maybe it's not deserved, because nobody is probably where they thought they would be and no ones road has been as easy as they'd liked.

But what I really think about. I saw someone today, that I hadn't seen or thought about in a long time. But once upon a time we were on pretty level playing field. Some ups and downs and just getting by. And now that person is still fine. Better than fine, doing pretty skippy. And then I thought back to another person I was close to once, and we were both happy or sad or whatever I don't remember with our lives and fast forward to now and it's the same. They have a life. They have love, and fulfillment, and people to be with or even joke with. Of course now the examples are piling on pretty hard. People are okay. People are okay and I am not. And we used to be equal, and somehow my road has taken me down down down and I look around and there is nothing. By any objective scale my life is a gigantic fuck up. And I am fucking nowhere, and not going anywhere anytime soon. Living with an aunt. After living with a sister, after living in a car after living in a fucking parking garage elevator and fucking hotel bathrooms and fucking wherever I could sleep for 5 fucking minutes before I had to move, after a fucking homeless shelter where I overdosed some 17 year old girl and had to leave because I wouldn't let them search my bags and they took my meds that could have been so much money and I think it was really because they found that stupid needle in the fucking bathroom. After living in a hotel with all that spice that was the worst thing I ever did and I watched these seasons of tru blood in that hotel room and when I watched an episode the other day and the opening song came on I could taste that spice in my mouth and my brain remembered what it felt like and I was sick and couldn't watch it. After living with another sister and her family that I loved and I fucked it up by just doing nothing. After living with another aunt where I fucked it up by, that's right, doing absolutely nothing.

Not many more places to run away to. Maybe not any. And the only thing I'm more of than the fact that the way I'm doing life isn't working is the fact that I'll never do it a bit different.

So I don't know. Those people that I was once on equal ground with, that have moved on. That might not be somewhere great but they're somewhere better than they were. Maybe it's just a fuck you to people who took all those better roads than me.

But of course. That's all selfish. It's easy to say blah blah blah I fucked my life up over and over. But what probably matters more in the end is those gosh darned sins of omission. Those people I could have helped on my mission. People in high school who could have been brought up instead of down. Meg. Maybe Sarah. Maybe Danielle, this summer, where maybe I could have saved her. Could have been that guy who gave good advice that she would love and agree with and then break as soon as she wanted something more. Maybe I could have helped her instead of standing behind those bathrooms at valley of the moon park with tin foil and a lighter and a dismantled Zebra mechanical pencil and saying maybe you should try it. Maybe she wouldn't have lost her daughter and car and apartment and in all honesty I probably put a bullet in her head. It would have been more merciful and smoking her out for those first few days.

It's a long night. Internet's fucked, maybe I'll get around to posting this in the morning.