CANCER NEVER SLEEPS!
It’s true. Unlike most things that people are terrified of: bears, spiders, having peanut butter stuck to the roof of your mouth, cancer is something that just works round the clock to murder you. It is because of cancer’s unrelenting resolve to wreak havoc on the lives of men that tonight I chose to take a stand. If cancer won’t sleep, then neither will I.
Granted, me not sleeping isn’t that big of a stand to take. As a matter of fact, if I wanted to show cancer I really meant business I would probably just conk out for a good 18 hours, but you’d be hard pressed to find someone to sponsor you to sleep against cancer.
No, that would be too easy. People aren’t going to pay money to see you do something you enjoy (unless they’re really creepy). In order to convince people to donate to your cause you have to do something painful, something you wouldn’t normally do. Walk.
I’ve long been of the mindset that walkers are a dying breed. With the way technology is advancing these days, (see here), I think we will soon live in a world where only the hardcore Lance Mackey/Armstrong folks feel the need to use their feet for transportation. I know what you’re thinking: “Hey, that’s just the plot to Walle, you cheese-eating copyright infringer!”
Wrong. In the world of Walle everyone was fat and ugly and didn’t use their legs because they were lazy. In the world I envision, everyone will take hard narcotics to sleep at night while complex machines work out every muscle in our body. The result will be a bunch of really hot, toned, muscular people who roll around on Segways all day.
Wow, that was quite a tangent.
As I was saying, before I so rudely interrupted myself. Tonight I decided to walk for cancer. The idea was that you walk in a circle around a local high school from 8pm to 8am to show cancer who's boss. Apparently cancer just acts tough, but if you show it that you’re not a little pansy it will just shake in its boots and beg for mercy. Since I’m down for pretty much anything that includes an all-nighter, I paid my 30 bucks and joined the club.
After a long and boring opening message, (basically, cancer is bad), we started walking. And walking. After a whopping 15 minutes of circling the high school by myself, occasionally talking to one of the many Eskimo girls doing laps as well, I decided that perhaps this wasn’t the activity for me.
There’s more to this story, but I’m hella tired.
So, cancer. You may have won this round, but I’ll be back. And next time…. Something.
